Freedom in Speech

Written by Adhis Wednesday, 06 June 2012 09:50

She enters the room and everything changes, the air is electrified, the hairs on the back of my neck are standing and my heart races. I can’t help but keep stealing glances at her and damn! she looks so fine! Okay, that’s over, she’s no longer with me and is not sure what she wants from me I think. We are friends yes, but at times it feels like…oh! would my heart stop this crazy rhythm already!
My mind goes down memory lane.

I remember how we met, how I was drawn to her, how I tried to resist her till my whole being was haywire and that very first kiss, tender, sweet, passionate arousing all sorts of desires in me. The hug that made me feel all loved, the looks, the touch, everything was perfect.

I remember doubting if it was right, after all am a Christian and it is unnatural, at least that was what I was taught all through my life.

I remember saying I love you, with my heart on my sleeve and not caring, wanting to shout it on the rooftops, because I felt free and able to conquer the world. I was strong and nothing could drag me down. I had her by my side! And I did, I told some friends and they started praying over this ‘demon that had come over me’. One of them disowned me for she could not associate with a sinner such as I. The rest just stuck to fervent prayer in the hope that the good Lord will turn me around from this abomination.

I remember the struggles within, to love her freely and let go of my friends from church or to do both and never talk about it again. I chose the latter and it weighed on me heavily. I need my God; He is my refuge and my strength.
I remember just before the end, that feeling I had that I may not be enough for her, that I was falling in an abyss and I was all alone… the lonely nights with her out with friends, and when she was around she was either too tired or not in the mood to hold me, even a goodnight kiss was a problem.

I remember struggling with the flesh and letting myself go on occasions. I remember holding myself and crying myself to sleep almost every night. Waking up with a jolt because I could feel that something was not right with her and I was always right.
I remember her saying that I was different and that if I was not going to stop living in sin she would leave me and choose God over me. That hurt me a lot. Then the doubts came, then the depression.

I remember going to church and asking God what to do. The life in me slowly sipping away, my face falling with shame by the day, my joy dwindling daily, my heart tearing apart piece by piece, and the final giving up hope for I believed I was such a sinner.
I remember dreading the stay at home. I remember wanting to give up on life for I could no longer bear it. I lost myself and was fast but surely headed to self destruction.

I remember her saying that I no longer laugh as often as I used to, I don’t smile as often and at times when I do it no longer reaches my eyes.
I remember her saying that I should choose life and choose God, almost every day. That was the only conversation we had.
I remember her saying how her love for me will never change. It will always be the same and that she will never do anything to hurt me and I the same. It was all empty promises made at the height of passion, frazzled emotions and oversexed brains….. Lies

I remember her saying that even when I leave she will wait for me no matter how long it took for she loves me to the end and back, more that I can fathom. Now I know it was a lie
I remember saying it was over because I choose God and the look on her face all crushed and her spirit leaving right before my eyes, that was painful. But I had to find myself.

I remember her saying that if she ever met someone new she would come out rightly and let me know about it. Well I know it’s a lie for she is all over some bitch all sucking faces and up each other’s pants  in front of me and she says they are ‘just friends’. The funny thing is the other girls name kept coming up a lot just before we broke up….. Mmmmh I wonder why!
So we meet again and she can’t see because am introducing her to someone new, a friend I’ve made.
Now we are out and she can’t even sit with me and my friend, constantly chatting on phone and sitting as far from us as is possible and supposedly she came to spend the evening with me….bollocks!
Then again she comes to rub herself all over her and as soon as she is gone, she wants to now sit with me and my friend. How rude, tactless and shameless.

So I can’t sit there any more, I am good and ready to go to bed and sleep because am getting an allergic reaction to all this nonsense. As I walk I think to myself that this is the last time I will be anywhere near her. Yes her closeness still affects me in a way I wish it didn’t and I know it shouldn’t, but I have a plan called the ‘Chase of the ex’

Oh! I will live and let live at every step of the way because officially I am single – yes I admit it to myself. If I have to I will chant it like a mantra until it gets stuck on my mind and soul. The chords that bound me to her are severed and the ends that are now frayed and might want to join together again I will burn. They say don’t burn bridges for you might need them, I believe with a strong conviction that this bridge is shaky, and about to collapse and am the only one on it. So I am crossing to the other side and burning it. It would be better to go through all that bureaucracy (worse than the GOK ones) to get a new and better bridge made.

I will use my strongest weapon, my mind to get her out of my life in all ways then maybe when we meet again at a distant future we can talk normally with no hard feelings and no vested interests.
I will conveniently loose her number and request her to do the same, this close friendship business is not working for me so am done with it. I don’t need to talk to her for the next so long….maybe a year or so. We can be friends from afar for my heart is tired of aching.

I will not say hello on the streets for I need to forget and erase any memory of us. They are so fresh in my mind and every time I get hurt I have an excuse for her behavior. Am done with that too!
I will make a conscious effort to avoid any places she might frequent and I pray she does not show up in places I frequent for I don’t need to feel like the gum at the bottom of somebody’s shoes.
I will work on my mind, body and spirit; I already am, getting to learn a new dance and build the empire that I had stopped building when I lost myself to foolishness and whimsical things.
I will go out with as many people as I can in a bid to put myself out there, something’s gotta give!
I will cooperate with all my friends trying to get me out and just let loose.

I will if necessary perform an exorcism ritual to be rid of these feelings once and for all, for I cannot continue to live like this! I will live my life influenced by me alone for I cannot live as a puppet; I refuse